The way amidst despair

Wow, it's been many months since my last entry.

I've had some writing to do for school--specifically, a paper for one of my fall semester classes. Law and Mental Health. I tried to finish it last semester, but failed. Tried to finish it over Christmas break, spent many hours at Starbucks in Irvine trying to finish, failed. Got an extension until this semester. Put the paper away from my mind for awhile, thinking I needed to recover, to think about other things, to come back to it later. Then the deadline crept closer, and I tried to write again. Failed.

A host of things I meant to do got put off until after the paper was done, including updating this blog. And applying for more summer jobs. And studying (in a reviewing sense) for my classes.

And now, the paper is done, a bit past the extended deadline. Actually, more than a bit. But anyway, the paper is done, turned in. And now finals are upon me. An appellate brief for Moot Court needs to be finished. 2 more final exams (just took 1 this morning, Criminal Procedure). I've still got Evidence on Monday, need to observe a trial and write a short critique for Trial Practice, write a short memo on my attempts to observe a suppression hearing for Criminal Procedure, study for my Patent Law take home final, prepare for a graduation ceremony, and then . . . some rest.

But at least the paper is done. And now that it is, I feel more hopeful that I'll be able to graduate. There've been many times in trying to write that paper that I began to doubt whether I'd be able to graduate. The doubts are smaller now.

"The Way Amidst Despair" is the title of a painting that used to (and may still) hang in the student center of UC Irvine. I wasn't all that impressed by the painting, but I was struck by the title, and by what the artist was trying (with limited success) to convey.

I knew law school would be hard, and would require a lot of me. During my first year, I realized I wasn't nearly as smart as many of my classmates. Still, I thought the challenge would be for me to excel. To pass my classes--I thought this would not be a problem.

This year, I've felt hard pressed. I knew school would be hard, but I didn't expect to lose so much confidence in myself, to deeply question my competence as a law student (let alone a future lawyer), my capability as a student. Didn't expect to doubt my self-worth so much.

I do not write this to garner assurances from others that I'm really not so incompetent. I write to tell what I've learned.

Now, I feel that if I should graduate (an "if" for me, not a "when"), that will be a triumph, a victory. Triumph over what? Over despair, over the many times when I thought I wasn't going to make it. A limited victory over my incompetence.

A final push for the next few weeks . . . more entries later. I promise.